The Adventures of Hell Man and Hell Lad
by Helena Valentine
Summary: Oh my god I can't believe I wrote this crap... rated T because I dislike K.
1. How it all Began

H.Valentine: Ok. I have an incredible case of writer's block, in case any of you who read my other work have noticed by the vast absence of actual chapters. So I have a plan: write useless crazy crap and romance. It has actually worked for me before, so after I put this completely useless thing that my mind somehow produced up, I will update "Weirdo and Freak."(maybe) I actually got that idea from a review I just got. So, here you go, completely crazy stuff from the dark and terrifyingly ridiculous corners of my mind:

Disclaimer: If you think this is Hellboy by Mike Mignola, well... read on, you'll find you are sorely mistaken.

Through the empty hallways of the BPRD, Hellboy, alight with his own personal glow, which was glowing red, ran through the hallway. His stone arm waved, a look of desperation showing in his golden orbs of eyes.

"I'm radioactive, I'm radioactive!" He shouted to the crowds of agents, who parted like the red sea as their large charge ran through. Several people screamed, some wondered out loud how Hellboy got radioactive, and someone called for Superman or Star Trek or someone else who probably had a scene where they dealt with radioactivity to come help them.

Myers however, stepped out from the crowd. He saw his friend, in completely random and unexplained radioactivity, and knew he had to help him. "I'll save you Hellboy!" He called out, waving his own scrawny little arms.

Myers didn't know however, that Hellboy had gotten this radioactivity from the computer, somehow, while he was on this website called fanfiction dot net! Which meant Hellboy had been affected by the craziness of that site. Suddenly filled with random lust for Myers, and a lot of other random girls who weren't actually in the comics or movie, Hellboy ran forwards, the radio-activity affecting his brain, and bit Myers in the neck.

"Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!" Myer's yelled, as Hellboy's teeth sunk into his flesh. Though, he had to admit, he kind of enjoyed it... Anyhow, Myers felt the words of a narrator going through his brain

"Changed by a radioactive fanfiction site, Hellboy now becomes 'Hell-Man!' and John Myers, bitten by a radioactive Hell-Man, now becomes: Hell-Lad! Cue opening music."

"Wait!" Abe yelled, rushing forwards.

"You forgot your goggles, Doug Jones. Hell-Lad said, now suddenly with black leatard and a bright red cape flying behind him in a nonexistent wind. The letters HL were written in scary looking orange on the front of his shirt. He and Hellboy posed for cameras that didn't exist, since this is a written story, looking very majestic with the nonexistent wind blowing their cloths and Hellboy's hair, which he had taken down so it would be long and flowing.

"What? Oh, I'm using contact lenses now. Anyhow, I was wondering, even though I'm not radioactive, if I could join the group!" He said, looking up at them hopefully.

They stared blankly down at their blue friend.

"Uh... jeez Abe, I don't think that will work." Hell-Man said.

"Yeah. There's already two of us here. With me, a random made up character, around, Hellboy doesn't have time for your part and friendship in this movie, I mean heroic alliance." Myers said thoughtfully, looking at Abe.

"Aw, let him join!" Meg shouted from the sidelines.

Everyone stared at her.

"Whoops, sorry, wrong story." Meg said, scrunching up her eyebrows. "Come on Kimala." Meg reached out and grabbed the rolling beg of a hospital patient, who looked pretty dead, probably from lack of updates. Meg didn't look too well herself though.

"Yeah... that was weird..." Hell-Man said. Then he turned back to Abe. "And even besides that other stuff, you don't have a disguise or costume."

Abe blinked "What kind of disguise would I need? I'm blue."

"Or," Myers started "You could be a love interest. I mean, you never got Liz like in the animated feature number one."

Abe shrugged. "Well, I don't know, I'd just rather be a main character for once." He said.

They stared at him, and then turned away, probably to fight crime or something like that. Or maybe for the closing credits, but then they'd probably laugh for an exaggerated amount of time over a highly idiotic joke. "Sorry Blue." Hell-Man said, lifting his great stone hand, with which he planned to use for 'clobbering time.' Yeah, that's original...

"Wait!" Abe called, running forward again.

They turned around. Abe blushed a slight purple. "Well, as it is, I have a heroic costume."

They looked at him.

"It's Captain Planets. It actually goes nicely with my skin." Abe said.

"Why do you have a Captain Planets costume?" Myers asked, as if he could talk, what with having a Hell-Lad costume already made and under his cloths at all times.

"I don't know. I probably got it because I thought I was actually going to be a heroic character in the movies. Or maybe in anticipation of creepy role playing I'll do with the girlfriend I'm supposed to have in the next movie." He said.

"Ok, works for us!" Hell-Man said.

Moments later, the three of them stood on the roof of the BPRD, which would look much more heroic on their parts if it didn't look like they were standing on top of a waste management building, looking off into the setting sun. Abe had been right, and his costume really did go nice with his skin color and complection. In fact, he kind of looked like the real Captain Planets. Except there was no weird nonexistent 5th element for the Mexican guy...

Hell-Man stared off into the setting sun, his hair blowing very anime-e about his face. They did that until the credits.

Writer: Right. So that was a really weird thing I just thought up one day while I was bored in class. If you don't like it, I don't know if I care, since I really didn't try... anyhow, review even if you didn't like it. Oh, and on the next Hellboy movie: There's going to be tooth fairies, Johann, Elves, Runaway Elf Princesses (is this a video game???), Barry Manilow, and Abe in love. Oh my. By the way, anyone else guess those last two are connected? Review!


	2. The First Fight

sarcasm warning-Yeah, this is Hellboy. _Really._

"Great globs of globness!" Hell-man cried as he looked down at the BPRD. He was standing on what seemed to be Captain Planets, who was flying heroically through the air (What idiot put that warning in the commercial saying "suit does not permit user to fly"?). It all looked very majestic, besides the fact that Abe- I mean Captain Planets looked a little squished.

"Holy $&!" Hell-lad yelled from Hell-man's shoulders.

Hell-man stared at him aghast for a moment. "You can't swear!" He cried.

Hell-lad's mouth dropped open. He promptly fell, crying out into the sky "Oh the strangeness of it all! He can't tell me not to swear!"

Captain Planets quickly did a very fancy move, pretty much diving through the air to get Hell-Lad back. They caught him just as he crashed through the roof of a comic book store, and as they pulled him out, he beamed hopefully at Hell-man, almost holding up a sign that says "pay attention to me!" "Look what I found! Now we're twins!"

Sure enough, a large plastic fist of doom was on Myer's left hand. Apparently, he hadn't heard that it was the right hand... anyhow, there was also a hat that had sanded down horns on the top.

"Yes, yes, you look just like me, now can we get back to the heroic dialogue?" Hell-man said, waving his own RIGHT hand of doom.

"Why don't we find ground instead? Or better yet, water! I think I'm more of a water flier, instead of an air flier. Like Penguins!" Captain Planets called in a pained voice.

"You wanted to be a super-hero, now act like one! Or else we're just going to give you the power of hearts instead of any real element, Captain Planets!" Hell-lad called down to Abe as he climbed back on Hell-man's shoulders.

**MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE BASIC PLOT LINE**

Hell-man stared down in shock at the BPRD, which had been turned to rubble by a large and terrifying monster. Resting in the middle of the destroyed building was the beast, holding one Liz Sherman in his clutches. She appeared rather bored, and a bit pissed she wasn't a hero. "Help. Oh no. Help me." She called not even half heartedly, examining her nails.

The beast let out a mighty roar to the heroic team floating on Abe's back in the sky.

"Yumpin Yimminies!" Hell-lad called. "She's ugly."

"Liz is not ugly!" Hell-man said. Then he remembered the competition between him and sometimes Myers sometimes Hell-lad, and said "But if you want to think she's ugly, that's fine by me..." Hell-man added quickly.

"Not Liz! Liz is hot! Not to be redundant or anything... I mean, I meant the monster holding her! She, the monster, is ugly!"

Hell-man stared down at the monster again, scrutinizing the creature's form. "That's not a she! He said after a moment. "He's a he!"

"Na, look at the hair! It's a girl."

Hell-man and lad continued to argue, each staring confused at the monster.

The creature had a head that appeared to be human, only very large. The face and hair alone seemed to be female. It was a short, blond bob haircut framing a pale face. However, this changed on the way down. The chest and arms seemed to be nothing more then a large ghostly form, like a glittering cloud. Liz was clutched in a slightly hand-shaped part of the cloud. She had fallen asleep at this point.

Downward, there was the most confusing part of all though on the monster. The pale cloudness of a chest slowly turned to a grey- brown colored bare legs and in the back, a bare bottom. The part of the body which would tell them whether or not this was a he or a she was covered by a piece of wood with a rusty metal loop on the end of it.

The monster then turned to the agents in the sky, and opened her/his mouth and began to speak. The voice was a deep voice that sounded like it was happy a lot and read lots of books (if that makes sense), but somehow had a German accent.

"Fools! How dare you not let me in the movie! I vant to be movie-verse!" The monster cried.

Liz woke up with a start, glared at her captor for being so loud, and then went back to sleep.

"I'll show you movie-verse you fiend!" Hell-man yelled. "Captain Planets, onwards to this monsters doom!" He called.

Captain, gasping for lack of water, threw himself forwards in the air, towards the monster.

"I'm comin' to save you, Liz!" Hell-lad called, waving his arms around his head on Hell-man's shoulders.

"You're not, I am!" Hell man yelled. "And you're sitting on my hair!"

"I'm going to save her!"

"No, I am, foolish sidekick!"

"I am!"

"I am!"

"No, I am!"

Hell-man suddenly got a flash of an idea, his eyes going wide as he stared down at the monster. "Ok, you are." He said to Hell-lad.

"I thought so." Hell-lad said smugly, crossing his arms and squirming in his seat happily, pulling Hell-man's hair even more.

Hell-man winced, and then turned his grimace into a grin as he grabbed Myers and flung him in the direction of the monster with super-strength from Hell.

Hell-lad let out a cry as he was flung towards to monster, and hit her/him with a thundering crash right on his/her head.

The beast let out a fiendish yowl, stumbling as Myers dropped to the ground insignifogently. When he awoke, a moment later and with knocked out teeth, a tiny lobster scuttled by.

"Oooo... a lob-ster." Myers said dumbly, tiny Hell-men flying around his head to show he'd been knocked stupid. "I'll call you Johnson!" Hell-lad said, petting Johnson the Lobster's tiny lobster self.

Johnson suddenly pinched Myers' finger, hard. "I wanted to be movie-verse too!" He called in a squeaky voice before scuttling away.

Hell-man rode Captain Planets forwards in a canter through the air, about to give the beast a killing punch. Yeah, he would grapple with Grendel... whatever that meant.

But the beast dropped Liz, who turned on her fire power to shoot into the sky and go somewhere more interesting.

Hell-man and the Captain of planets stopped in the air, looking on at the beast who was spinning dizzily.

"I think that hit separated us..." The creature said, only now it was a girl's voice that came out, with the same sound that made it sound like she read too much and was happy a lot.

"Vhat is going on?" Another voice said. It was a soft German voice as the ghostly arm lifted to touch the face, which blinked at the cloud-hand went over it.

"Oo... pants!" A third voice called. A single toe lifted, which had a pair of pants it must have found in the rubble on two gargantuan toes. "I'm wearing pants. See Liz! Look at me!"

Liz was far away though, on some island with Abe in the middle of a storm having romantic tension form between them. Abe who was also Captain Planets saw this, and stared confusedly at the pale elven princess, who smiled at him from the sidelines. "I thought I was supposed to have romantic tension with you..." He said, and began to fall from the sky in confusion of his complicated love-life as a picture of a woman called Edith fell past him.

Hell-man let out a mighty cry as they were flung forwards directly into the monster's head, in the same path that Hell-lad had gone before. This impact though was a little more jostling.

There was a great explosion as the two forms met, and as the smoke cleared, the monster had shrunk in size. The legs were about the same size as Hell-man's now, the arms and chest still a simple ghostly form, and the head a tiny human sized head on top.

The head let out a groan and shook, looking around. "What's going on..." She said, before looking curiously at herself. "Wow, I've never read about this happening..." She said.

"Vhat's happening?" A voice called from the ghostly tummy.

The legs sat contently in the pants that now fit. It did look very odd though, what with the metal loop.

"I think it's three people, all formed into one!" Captain Planets said, staring at the beast, now about Hell-man's size.

"But how are we going to separate them?" Hell-man said, dusting off his spandex suit with a make-up brush he carried with him at all times for occasions such as these.

"I'll handle this." A voice with a Latin accent said. They turned, and were met with an absolutely fabulous short movie-guy with glasses, black hair and beard.

"What's your super-hero name?" Captain Planets questioned happily, always eager to meet new friends.

"I," the man said "Am Ophelia, Blade II, Pan, and the Pale Man. I am Bethmora city and Wink. I am Nuada and Nuala. I am called the Mountains of Madness. I am... GDT!"

Crowds cheered in some far-off place. Mike Mignola spun around in happiness. Fan fiction writers everywhere rejoiced, as did the readers. Hellboy fans climbed out of the shadows with their comic books, staring hopefully at del Toro, a shadow on a new horizon of theater, the big screen.

Hell-man and Captain Planets and Liz, who had come back to see what the commotion was, all stared in wonder at this amazing new being.

"How are you going to separate them?" Abe asked, staring in wonder.

GDT grinned, and then turned to face the creature still dizzily wondering what was going on and being content with pants.

"KATE, JOHANN, ROGER, YOU OLD F&S!" He called.

His voice and word rocked the world, and there was another explosion around the monster. As the smoke cleared this time, it was the shadows of three figures standing there. Kate, a woman with the blond bob haircut. Johann, in his containment suit and bubble-head. Roger, with his pants. And complete un-deadness. He's alive I tell you!

Ahem. Anyway, everyone stared in awe at GDT, who turned and began to walk on into the setting sun sending fingers of fire into the sky as an inspiring background.

"Come on Ron, Doug, Selma! Lets walk forwards to an age of beautiful film." He called. Shedding their costumes, the previous Hell-man and Hell-lad walked forwards, quickly followed by Liz. Their forms were dark and beautiful shadows against a sky raked with dying sunshine as the golden ball of fire sunk beneath the horizon.

Writer: Well. If that offended anyone, I'm sorry. Or rather, it was kind of meant to offend, I guess. But still funny... like Family Guy or something, I don't know. Though I really despise that show most of the time, to be honest. Anyhow, I was (again) trying to get rid of writer's block. At least for fanfiction. In the time I didn't write fanfiction (which I find fun) I wrote a novel. I'm very amazed at myself. Not like it's anywhere near actually getting published, but still. I did complete a story... maybe that only happens when I use original characters created by me. Anyhow, review.


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